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[Ster J]

A Little-Old-Lady Story

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened on the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man came creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!'
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: h**l, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool! And started to run away... and that's when I shot the little bastard!'

[Ster J]

A SERIES OF OLD FOGEY JOKES

LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES:

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator! ' she cried.

The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.'

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. 'Disregard.' He says. 'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'

FAMILY

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'
The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down?'
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.'

'I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!'

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?'

'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.'

And the third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer.'

OLD FRIENDS:

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is'

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'

SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!'

'Heck,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'

DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.'

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. A t the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.

So, she turned to the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!'

Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving?'

[Ster J]

TRUE WISDOM


1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.


2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

26. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved & never will

achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

29. You should not confuse your career with your life.

[Ster J]

A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair,dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the h*** would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other s*** too.

THURSDAY :
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny b**** to find me.

Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY :
I hate that b**** Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any
triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the D*** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY :
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY :
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little s***) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

[Ster J]

Four women were having lunch and began to talk about their sons.

The first says, "My son is a priest, and when he walks into the room the people all stand and say, "Reverend Father."

The second says, "Well, my son is a bishop, and when he walks into the room the people all stand and say, "Your Excellency."

The third says, "Well, my son is a cardinal, and when he walks into the room the people all stand and say, "Your Eminence."

The fourth just ducks her head and quietly continues eating. The other mothers look at her and say, "Well? What about your son?"

She drops her fork and says, "Fine. My son is a male stripper, buff, 6'4" and drop dead gorgeous. When he walks into a room people stand up and say, "My GOD!"

[Ster J]

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment.'

The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'

[Ster J]

The Obedient Wife

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real 'miser' when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,

'Wait just a moment!'
She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said,

'Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'
The loyal wife replied, 'Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.'

You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?'
'I sure did,' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it.'

Send this to every clever female you know, and to every man who thinks they are smarter than women!!!

[Ster J]

Hallelujah! Sunday is coming!

One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time
to get ready for church, to which he replied, 'I'm not going.'

'Why not?' she asked.

I'll give you two good reasons,' he said. '(1), they don't like
me, and (2), I don't like them.'

His mother replied, 'I'll give YOU two good reasons why YOU SHOULD go
to church.
(1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!'
...........................................................................................
..The Picnic

A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July
picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.

'This baked ham is really delicious,' the priest teased the rabbi.
'You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I
can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You
don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until
you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when
are you going to break down and try it?'

The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, 'At your
wedding.'
...........................................................................................
The Usher

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher
greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps, 'Where would
you like to sit?' he asked politely.

'The front row please,' she answered.

'You really don't want to do that,' the usher said 'The pastor
is really boring.'

'Do you happen to know who I am?' the woman inquired. 'No.' he
said. 'I'm the pastor's mother,' she replied indignantly.

'Do you know who I am?' he asked. 'No.' she said.
'Good,' he answered.
............................................................................................................
Show and Tell
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a 'show and tell' assignment.
Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that
represented their religion. The first student got up in front of the class and
said, 'My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David.'

The second student got up in front of the class and said, 'My name is Mary.
I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary.'

The third student got in up front of the class and said, 'My name is Tommy.
I am a Baptist, and this is a casserole.'
.........................................................................................................
The Best Way To Pray
A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer,
while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

'Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray,' the priest said.

'No,' said the minister. 'I get the best results standing with my
hands outstretched to Heaven.'

'You're both wrong,' the guru said. 'The most effective prayer
position is lying down on the floor.'

The repairman couldn't contain himself any longer. 'Hey, fellas,'
he interrupted. 'The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin'
upside down from a telephone pole.'
..............................................................................................................
The Twenty and the One

A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill
arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the
conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty-dollar
bill reminisced about its travels all over the country.

'I've had a pretty good life,' the twenty proclaimed. 'Why
I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New
York , performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean .'

'Wow!' said the one-dollar bill. 'You've really had an exciting
life!'

'So tell me,' says the twenty, 'where have you been throughout your
lifetime?'

The one dollar bill replies, 'Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church ,
the Baptist Church , the Lutheran Church .'(Nazarene)

The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, 'What's a church?'
.............................................................................................................
Goat for Dinner

The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they
were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they
were having. 'Goat,' the little boy replied.

'Goat?' replied the startled man of the cloth, 'Are you sure about
that?'

'Yep,' said the youngster. 'I heard Dad say to Mom , 'Today is
just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.'
...............................................................................................................

Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth.

[Ster J]

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not. God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.'

So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time. When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true.The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said?








Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.

[Ster J]

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO
HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT
THE LOCAL BROTHEL.

THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND
TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, 'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY
GIRL WAS DEAD!'

'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'

'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.'

HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.'

'A WITCH ??. WHY THE h**l WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'

'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I
GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW...
TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!'

[Ster J]

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida
?????"



CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, 'What's the story?' He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'

She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'



SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you.'


RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde
on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead went into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wher ever she touched it. 'Impossible! ' says the doctor. 'Show me.' The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?'
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!' The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!' The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone
naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO. ...,' answered the blond. 'They're watch dogs!'